yesterday's choronicles :
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009

another night with isomnia.

seems like im running on another timezone. four hours ahead or something like that.
its like i wake up at 3am tossing&turning till i can take it no more so i get up for real at around 6am with the weirdest ideas ever. like this urge i had to go to the piano room when it was around 4am just nowww. if not that it wld be like yesterday when i had this immense urge to go job seeking at Nagano at broadway. yup twas also around 3am. i went there first thing in the morning when i thought was normal enough. like 830-ish. (; turns out they were overstaffed. ah well. the lady said she'll call me when theres a space or something or if one of the workers dropped out. yay :D so i might actually get a job !! :D

& its not the normal urge yknw. its like ill be having butterflies in my tummy till i get up and do something about it. so there would actually be zero chance of me falling asleep after i get up. at 3 am. not good.

and then to last through the day woozy.
feeling exhausted by 9pm only to sleep at around 11 and then the cycle repeats.
whyyyy. i didnt even touch caffeine !!

& its not just these urges to do weird things at weird hours. its also the scary visions that flash through my mind's eye if i continued to toss&turn. & i did try relaxing only to realise that i was tensing up with those weird thoughts again. and frowning so much it hurts by the time i realised. like how itd be like if i was no longer in this world. not suicidal though !! its just like imagining how my lifeless body would look.like if i were to not to ever wake up ever again the next day. like how itd be like if the police were to find me lifeless. :/ that wasnt too scary. its uber unreal and precisely why its really really madly weird. and like if i were to lose somebody scarily. dont wanna go into the details. :x cuz it will never happen and it will never happen. period.

maybe i should accept that this is my stupid circadian rhythm. that i should actually start my day at 3am. so i wont have to toss and turn in the dark trying to get some more sleep. but its sooo :S if yknw what i mean.

or maybe im not even making sense. cuz i was up at 3am. second day consecutively.

and now i wonder what would i actually think of myself when im fifty years old and reading this. would i even remember this blog ? would i remember how its like to be me now at nineteen ?? or would i forget. like how my parents and all the old people seem to forget their younger days. or at least remember them differently. maybe the older you get the more things you see in life coupled with more perspective (of life&ladas) one inevitably gains on the way as one ages one can either get duller, as in boring-er , or fun-er. i hope i dont get boring-er than i already am. :x

maybe then at fifty if i ever do browse this blog again i might think myself crazier/weirder than i already think i actually am now. like how i when i look back to the time i was 11/12/13/14 how strange and totally uncool i was then. when i actually thought i was awesomely cool when i was 11/12/13/14. if you actually understand what im talking about.
if not its still ok !
-actually, even better. (x


hmm.


anyways !
since its been uber long since ive last updated theres pretty much nothing to update about cuz its pretty much uni everyday. or the pub.hol - anzac dayyyy.
uni = tryna study. really i did frikkin try okay. (x + tests&exams + friends&some actually fun stuffs with friends. i miss vic already.
pub.hol = clearing the laundry basket & practically living in peejays all day (x that or hanging out with my sweetheart.teehee (x

and then chatting w my besties online. i really miss them immensely. immensely immensely immense. lol ! but its true.
& mommy has just got intro-ed to msn ! so shes darn adorable spamming all the emoticons like some novelty-filled new found toy. i miss her so much it hurts. i wanna go back this sembreak but then on (many) second thoughts, ill only be not bored for 2 weeks tops and then ill be complaining wanting to come back here again. and especially when its only a 4 week break. ill feel too unsettled to enjoy home for home.yknw what i meannn ?? 4 weeks is neither here not there. and although it still gets boring here too. but it takes longer. somehow. (x
but still i cant wait till end of this year !!! im so needing that trip to jantzen !! my hair. my hair seriously needs a makeover. really really.
i should stop repeating myself . it makes me sound crazier.
right.
that, and i shall stop boring you innocent people with my 6am rants too.

and hopefully the next time it'll be non-6am when i decide to blast my thoughts on the internet.

(x